Log in

It's not a fashion statement, it's a fucking deathwish [entries|friends|calendar]

[ website | XANGAAAAA ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

(2 | Comment)

i got a living room full of fien dime brizzles [28 Mar 2005|12:16am]
[ mood | calm ]

I have not actually put a real entry in here for a long, long time.

I've come to realized in my xanga, I don't actually "write" about my day. I only post pictures and a few sentences here and there. I guess I became a comment whore on there.

So from now on, I'm going to write on here. About my day, what I think. For the past month, I've actually filled in a whole notebook with my thoughts. I write everyday, even if it's a sentence or even something I drew that I had thought of that day.

I'm not going to give out the link to this, because a lot of people won't read it, seeing there won't be any pictures on here whatsoever. Just my day, and what I think. So it'll probably be boring to a lot of people.

Today was Easter. It started with me waking up at my mom's house. Let me remind you, theres my grandma's house, and the "new" house, where me and my mom moved out to live with her stupid boyfriend, Joe. Anyway. I woke up, and my mom came in and says, "Do you want a coke?" and I said sure. So she closes the door and she tells Joe "Joe, go get Lauren a coke, she wants one." And he's like.."WHAT DOES SHE THINK THIS IS? THE FUCKIN HAMPTONS?" I didn't even do anything.

Want to hear something else really insane? My mom doesn't want me hanging out with Jordan and Maggie, because she asked them if they were friends with the kid that was gay at our school and they said yeah. So now she doesn't like me being by them. How the hell does that affect me? AND WHY THE FUCK DOES IT MATTER? What, does she think it's going to rub off on me or something? She doesn't even like me hanging out with my guy friends. What does she want from me?

So we came over here to my grandma's. My grandma said "pussy" for some reason at the table and everyone was silent and angry. The only noise that was in the room was me choking on a peice of ham and laughing hysterically at the same time.

It's about 11:25 now. Everyone's gone, of course. I have no idea what plans are for tomorrow. Probably me just sitting online, yay I love Spring Break...

(5 | Comment)

[15 Feb 2005|10:38pm]

From now on, I put writing on here. Writing, and only writing.

This has been my first writing in a while, IM me and tell me what you think, I want different opinions from lots of people. Anyone want to give it a title?

Yes, I write what I put on here. Please don't copy it..what I write means a lot to me.

we're an odd match, and people probably don't understand how we can live together. i'm sure they talk and whisper about us, wondering how we both walk out of the apartment alive in the morning, wondering how we can possibly be in love. we're constantly fighting and bickering, but it's in this playful kind of manner that's almost turned it into how we discuss things. maybe it's because we're too independent to live any other way, too independent to have ever fallen in love with someone who is going to restrict us. we're not living this normal kind of relationship, where you lean on each other and that's how you survive.. no, if one of us was to lean on the other, we'd fall. neither of us can stand that kind of clingy person. we're on an unspoken 'distant reliability' sort of contract, where we depend on each other in a way that's never going to interfere with the other's life.

aside from that distant reliability thing, i've figured out that there is only three other things that are keeping us in love. they're not trust or communication or sex or any of those things. you and i, we're structured on this- the car rides, the pictures, and the chinese kitchen.

i say the car rides first because i'm sure that's what tends to keep us sane, even if i haven't decided if i love or hate them. your 1992 honda civic tends to alter us a little. i like to think it's haunted or possessed or maybe it has something in the air. whatever it is, when we get in that car with no where to go, we're different. neither of us is rather normal to begin with, but that car sends both of us rocketing towards extremes. it tends to make me go completely insane, and it makes you calm down and clamp up. i guess that's the reason you don't permit me to invite anyone on those rides through the night- the ones that carry us so far out of the city and so far into the dark that i feel like i can just reach out and run my fingers through the velvet black sky.

it's on those car rides where we transform and we learn about each other. i'm almost positive that not only does that stupid hunk of junk carry something special; but that it also is the one place we've never gotten into a fight. it's the one place where we always make sense to each other, where we always understand what each other is thinking, where we can make just the right decisions at just the right time. that i should let you smoke and not try to open the window when it's snowing because i don't want to inhale your fumes. they tell you to let me cry and tell me to let you sing. they tell us to stop and kiss and just take each other in. i know it understands that we think we're smarter than anyone in the world, that we think we can dissect every abstract, undisectable issue. we know better, and they know that. maybe they're the ones who teach us.

the car rides also produce the pictures most of the time. i love the pictures, and i know you do too, even though you'll never talk to me about them. they're one of those unspoken things, too. we take or paint or draw them and attach them to the black wall without ever telling each other. i've sort of turned it into a game for myself, searching for whatever new things you've put up on the wall, wondering what you were thinking when you took that picture and wondering how many didn't turn out before that one.

the wall with the pictures is the only place in our apartment that was never part of the war our apartment went through in the first few months we lived together. you hated the bright paint i'd splashed onto the walls in the kitchen and bathroom, and i hated how you absolutely refused to let me paint the bedroom, and how you skipped class that morning to paint the wall black. you hated the pillows that i insisted we use, the ones that matched with the blankets that i hated and you refused to put away. we fought about the curtains until we took them down for good, we fought about the rugs until we gave up and left the floors bare, no matter how much we both couldn't stand the feeling of our feet against the cold wood.

the pictures give us peace though. we lay under it most nights, curled up in each other, staring up. the wall is almost filled, and it's going to extend to the next wall in a week or so, and i know that even though we don't talk about it, we're both pushing ourselves to cover the last of the empty black spots. i haven't told you yet, but i'm going to paint that wall red one morning next week so that we can cover that one. maybe this time you'll put some of your poems on the wall, too. maybe this time you'll talk to me about the pictures, and maybe this time i'll talk to you about mine. as much as i like that guessing game i've been playing with myself about those pictures, i wish i could understand. i wish i could know if you wonder about my pictures, too.


i guess the most important part of our life is the chinese kitchen. there's probably a million chinese food places in the city of chicago, but we've never bothered to step foot into another since the day you brought your suitcase to my apartment. it's tiny and hidden, but that place draws the most amazing people. it's where we met, and where we've grown together. we go there day in and day out, making small talk with the employees. One of them loves to sit behind us as we type our school papers, reading over our shoulders. i know he wants to make suggestions, but he never does it without our asking.

it's the most comforting place we know, i guess. we've met most of our friends there, or at least the ones who don't go to our college. they're all amazing people, the kind that make giant imprints on your heart without even meaning to… the ones that give you little pieces of information that you'll remember forever. we met joe there, who brings us through the museums constantly, teaching us things that we'd never have known without him. we never ask how he knows- for all we know, he could be pulling the facts out of his ass. but we love them, and we'd stand by them, even if every lesson was a lie.

we've met a million others, too. karen, the girl with the poetry, craig, the boy who makes friends with the homeless people. kelly, who ran away from home when she was seventeen, and when she returned, her mother was gone. she's smart and pretty and is a perfect house guest when we invite her into our home. she doesn't mind that i burn the muffins or that you never buy milk. there are people we've only seen once, the ones that have dragged us on escapades through the city, then leave us at home with only pictures to remember them.

we're not a perfect match, but we manage. we offset each other beautifully, finishing each others arguments and constantly compromising because we're too stubborn to ever give in completely. there are a thousand and one reasons we never should have come together, but we did, and the end result is something remarkable. we fight a lot, i'm too small and you're too big, and i will always be too small for you. but its okay, i suppose. it's okay, because we have the car rides, the pictures, and the chinese kitchen to make us live.



(1 | Comment)

[29 Dec 2004|04:34pm]

Did you know that when you leave a comment, and then delete it, the person still gets it in an email?

I guess </a></strong></font></a>heyesse69 didn't know that. And then, she's too much of a loser to have a friends-only comment setting.

So, for all the people who like to randomly comment on peoples journals, at least have the guts to let the person comment back. Especially if your a dumbshit and leave your username.


(1 | Comment)

[29 Dec 2004|01:06am]

Livejournal is stupid. I'm done.


bye journal.


[21 Dec 2004|10:48pm]

         Same update from xanga..

How was your day?

Mine was great. At like 12, Sam came and picked me up, Amy and Karee was with too. We went shopping over by Target and Borders and all the stores inbetween there, it was fun. Minus the fact I kept getting assaulted. We went in Target and stayed for a really long time. Me and Karee got seperated from Sam n Amy for a while because they went somewhere else in the sotre, so we got on this low rider bike n then all the sudden the workers were running around screaming CODE YELLOW! and Karee got scared. I got some hair coloring stuff.

After that, we had a hair dying fiesta at Sams. Well, just me and Amy. Sam did mine. Ha, it was actually really good. I'm now like 2 or 3 shades of blonde than I was before. My mom didn't even notice yet, but everyone else does.  Then again my mom is pretty dumb.

So later on Amy's mom came and picked us up, and we went to go get her hair cut..but we were like an hour early so we went into Discovery, n then we went passed Albert's and saw the Albert Man! And he blew us a kiss! Hahah. Then Amy got her hair cut, and we were walkin out..but then we decided to go in Albert's. We walked around for a little bit, then we went back out..n then we were like..no! We gotta get an autograph! So we ran back into the salon to get a peice of paper from the cool haircut lady, and we went back in to see Mr Albert and Sam goes "Can I have an autograph?" n hes like AUTOGRAPH?! and at first I thought he meant no n he goes..I'll just put you in the paper! So now, we're gunna be in the Hammond Times with a pic of us and Albert Man, that guy is so awesome.We also scored some free shirts.

So, today was awesome.

PS, tell Amy you like her hair, because it looks really good.


[20 Dec 2004|05:28pm]

Umm...xanga is better.

The passed days have been pretty un-eventful, sleeping for 12 hours straight..it's wonderful. I got my guitar yesterday, I love it. I love the way it sounds, looks, its so perfect. Some people say its a crappy guitar but hey, I'm no pro so I don't care.

I also went to Jill's yesterday with Trish, Hilary and Angela. I got a Poison The Well from Jill and a Hawthorne Heights shirt from Trish. Thanks guys, your the best.

We leave for Minnesota Thursday and I cannot wait to get away from everything.

A couple hours ago we got the mail; I got accepted into the art classes for the scholarship. I'm so happy, I start early January. I dont know what class I'm going to do yet, because I get to decide..maybe the Mono Print, so I could do what Joe does..or the drama class. Oh well, I have a while to decide.



[18 Dec 2004|10:47pm]

(1 | Comment)

[17 Dec 2004|06:09pm]

Xanga kicks Livejournals ass

So yeah, when was the last time I updated in here? Oh well, anyway..last night I went to the mall with my mom for what I thought we were just grabbing some last minute gifts, but I ended up getting and picking out all my gifts..then Joe came, we went to Guitar Center..then came home I guess.

Oh yeah, lmao..we went into Build-A-Bear because we were going to get something for Joe's little neice whos like two, and he went to go get it made and this stupid little 19 year old chick was totally hitting on him..and she pointed at me and my mom and shes like "Is that your mom and little sister?" and my mom got all pissed and stormed out. I had a good laugh

I can't wait until we leave for Minnesota. I think it'll do good for me and my mom, we might not fight as much..I don't know why I think that. Last night actually wasn't that bad with the 3 of us. But I still can't see us moving in with him.

Today was really nice, last day of school for break. In second hour Hilary and I made copies the whole time for our Child Development papers in the library, and I was very close to copying my face on the machine but Hilary said it wasn't a good idea. The rest of the day was filled with stupid little crosswords, candycanes, and movies.

So, I'm not doing anything tonight but I don't really mind. I just wanna sleep.

I post everyday in my Xanga, go their instead. I'll just do this one occasionally. I put stories and stuff on here though.

Steph drew us getting married in my agenda. How cute. <3



i sleep so i dont have to feel [14 Dec 2004|09:21pm]

Thanks to all the people who IMed me and gave me positive feedback about my stories. It means a lot.

I wrote another one today..I don't want to post it on here though, it's kind of..different. IM me if your kind of close to me to read it...and if your up for a really long story.

Anyway, today was my first full day of school since thursday..it went really well. I got an 80 on my Social Studies test! So hopefully that C+ will stay that way until report cards. As for math..yeah, I am definitly failing. I'm at the point where I don't even care about that class.

A bunch of kids got told on for doing drugs. They had to get drug tests taken today; or at least thats what the rumors are at school. It sucks, because there all really cool..but its one of the consequences for doing shit like that, I guess.

Yeah, so, today at lunch the level we sit at lunch in the cafeteria got held back..and Im turned around, not facing the table, listening to the lunch lady scream at us..and then the rest of the table starts laughing for some stupid reason, and now we are supposedly getting written up for detentions..and honestly, Im pissed. My mom and grandparents are already sick with taking me to all the detentions I've had this year, they said one more detention and I'm grounded until summer..I've never been grounded before, and I want to keep it that way. I didn't even do anything. And if I have to take it thursday morning, I'll be even more pissed, because I have to take the math test I missed on friday. Yeah, I just said before I didn't care about it..but its a test. 100 points.

So, its official..I'm going to Minnesota for break. From the 23rd until the 28th or something. Yeah, everyones going to like the Bahamas or Hawaii..and I go some place even colder. Oh well..Mall Of America...and I get my guitar, and other stuff...so I'll live I guess.

(3 | Comment)

[13 Dec 2004|09:41pm]

Yeah...I passed out in the office today and I got sent home. I went to the doctor and he says I don't get enough sleep, and I don't eat enough and get the nutrients I need. I wrote about it more on Xanga, go there or something.

I wrote both of these stories today, since I was forced to lay down all day..this is the second one, the first one was in the last entry. Please IM me or comment on what you think..thanks.

They had been sitting on the phone in silence. 20 minutes had passed in silence. Why were they having such a hard time communicating? They were always able to talk before, but now it was different. She had told him once before that she was worried about it, but he blew it off knowing she was over exaggerating like always. But now he felt different. He suddenly understood. The silence was soon broken by a clock, an old grandfather clock his family had gotten when his grandparents had passed away. He read the time out loud.


"It's getting late. We should go."

"Yeah, I guess so. I'll talk to you tomorrow then. I love..."

"No, don't. Don't talk to me tomorrow. It's obviously not working, and I'm not trying anymore. I'm sorry."

He heard the click, and knew it was done. He didn't want it to be. He was always happy with her. He suddenly felt abandoned. He couldn't help but cry. He didn't see this day coming anytime soon, and definitely not for the reason stated. So, they didn't talk much, site it was strange..but he didn't think that strange. He lay down to think about what just happened. He couldn't get to sleep. When he looked at the clock it showed it was 3:00 a.m. He slowly stumbled to the bathroom and took out all the bottles he could grab. He read through all the labels but understood nothing. He took 3 pills out of one of the bottles, not even acknowledging the label. He didn't care, he wanted to sleep. Within 10 minutes he had fallen fast asleep.

He had woken up in a hospital bed the next day. He was so confused he couldn't speak. She walked into the room, and looked angry. He couldn't remember the night before so thought nothing of it. She stopped at the bedside.

"Don't do this. We had nothing big, a month or so. Don't do this to yourself. I'm sorry if I hurt you, I really am...but it's not worth it."

Before he could respond she was gone. He was hoping it was a dream but soon came to the realization that it wasn't. He was released from the hospital that night. He talked to his mom about the whole thing. He told her he took the pills to sleep and didn't mean to scare her. She sadly nodded and told him to go to sleep, maybe he would feel better the next day.

He did feel better the next day. He woke up fairly early but didn't mind. He gave her a call and asked is he could go over, he wanted to talk things out. She didn't really care to see him, but after everything that had happened the day before, she agreed.

He arrived at her house around 4 in the afternoon. He had brought her roses, he knew they were her favorite. She wasn't pleased but put on a fake smile anyway. They talked for 3 hours about all that had happened the past 2 days. She was frustrated. She didn't want to hear apologies. They were meaningless. He was just saying it for her. She didn't want to hear his lies.

She started screaming, he couldn't understand. The pills were getting to him. No one knew he had taken one before he left his house. Everything was getting blurry as she pushed him into his car to leave. He started the car and began to leave. As he pulled out of her driveway his eyes started filling with tears. He couldn't see of hear anything. He couldn't feel his foot getting heavier on the gas pedal. He was going 85 m.p.h. now, down a back road and had suddenly lost all control. The road had turned, but he didn't. He smashed into a tree.

His mom was crying uncontrollably as she drove to the hospital. She was immediatly let into his room. She was already there. His mom and her were both at his sides. The doctor had already told them he didn't have much longer but they prayed anyway. Suddenly he sitrred, and they both jumped back slightly. His eyes began to open and he slowly looked around.

He slowly turned to her and with his last breath said,"I love you." With that he was gone. She began to cry and couldn't stop. She suddenly realized that she loved him too.


[13 Dec 2004|09:40pm]

Please...IM me and tell me what you think about it. Be painfully honest. Thanks.

It was raining hard. He could hear the pattering of the rain against the window, even over the radio. He was thinking about her as the doorbell rang. He was startled by the noise but quickly got up to see who it had been.

She stood in the doorway with tears rolling down her cheeks and blood running from her wrists. She had a note in her hand. This wasn't who he had hoped to see. He had broken her heart and they both knew it as they stood in the doorway. She was shaking as she handed him the note. Neither of them spoke any words. He began to shake and could feel himself fighting back the tears.

Before it had gotten worse she turned and walked away. He stood in the door until he could no longer see her shadow in the driveway. He walked back inside to listen to the radio some more. He didn't open the note, he didn't want to know what was inside. He was scared just looking at it. There had been blood spotted all over it. For some reason he couldn't stop starring at the note and couldn't think straight.

The phone rang causing him to jump back a little. He felt relieved when he heard the sound of her voice, the voice of the girl he had been thinking about before this strange mishap. He had suddenly felt content. They talked for what seemed like hours just laughing. The note had been forgotten.

She began telling him of her day when another call came into him. He saw his mom's number and figured it wouldn't be important. He ignored the call and continued to listen to her beautiful voice. She was almost finished when the call came again. Frustrated he answered the call...


"Honey, it's me, I have..."

"Mom, quick, I'm on the phone. This better be important.:

"...She's dead. Her parents found her just a little while ago. She had a note.."

"Mom, What are you talking about?"

"They found a note clasped in her hand, covered with her blood. It said, It's all for you. Do you have any idea... hello?..Hello?"

He hung up the phone. He was feeling very dizzy, but stumbled to the note he had left on the table. He could feel tears now, and he didn't mind. He slowly opened the note. He stuttered across the words, but understood completly...This is for broken promises, This is for love. All of this..is for you.

(3 | Comment)

[12 Dec 2004|05:42pm]

You know what..who cares about who listens to what music? People get mad when more people listen to the music they listen to..personally, I think its kind of dumb, and selfish. I mean seriously, the reason why the bands are signed to record companies, is so they get more heard of, and more people listen to them..their not out there just for you and your group of friends.

Yeah, I got mad and stuff when people listened to bands I like...but in a couple years, it wont really matter who listens to what. I have better things to think about right now other than to get pissy about someones lyrics in their info. Come on now.

(1 | Comment)

MAMA NEEDS A DOUGHNUT TONIGHT!! [12 Dec 2004|02:09pm]

Yesterday, I picked up Hilary and Angela, and we went to the loft for a bit while my mom worked. We played Donkey Kong and Pac-Man. We took the dog for a walk with Joe, but we decided to go into this art gallery for contemporary art...the first one was really good. Thats the kind of stuff I want to do when Im older. But the second one was just stupid, all it had was 4x6 pictures up and they had magazine clippings on them. There was this book to write something down to the artist, Jake (who is like 10) started writing crap in it, and I was like JAKE NO! and he was like..fine..then scribbled it all out. It was funny.

Then, we went to Weiner Circle, and sat inside and pressed our faces against the glass. Jake gave us these fake cigarettes, and they had like chocolate in them..so we'd be pretending to smoke and these old ladies gave us dirty looks to us and my mom, cause I guess she thought my mom lets us smoke, and as she would watch us we'd stick the whole entire cigarette in our mouthes n she'd have this surprised look on her face. You had to be there.

After that, we went to Water Tower Place..there was this guy in his 20's and he was dancing and stuff to techno music for money. Then there was another guy as one of those silver robots, Hilary went to go look at it and he made some kind of noise and she got scared. We went inside for a little bit, nothing much really...there was this store, and the entrance actually was covered in frosting, and had candy stuck to it...we ate all the gingerbread guys heads off. Im just hoping the frosting on the back of it wasn't like spackle or something.

We left, went back to the loft for a bit, went to Jake's loft...then we went to the Bulls game. These psychotic kids were dancing for us, they were on the other side of the thing..you know the little spot where the players come out onto the court? We were right there, and they were on the other side. Then, we met a friend in a Misfits shirt. Lmao. THEN WE GOT PICTURES WITH THESE LIFELIKE SIZED THINGS OF THE PLAYERS! YEAH! There were these little races during the game on the screen..ME AND ANGELA WON 2 GALLONS OF FREE HINKLEY SPRINGS WATER!

After the game, I took them home.

Here are some pics. All sized down.

ChicagoCollapse )

(1 | Comment)

[12 Dec 2004|01:58am]

I had an awesome day. I miss Nate though. I'll have a big update and pics later.


Tell me what you think? I don't think I like it as much as the last one.Collapse )

(1 | Comment)

[09 Dec 2004|10:18pm]

School...yeah. Crazy stuff happened! But hey, thats the consequences when you do shit like that, I guess.

Angela, Hilary and Jill and I went to Coffee Beanery and then we came to my house. Took some pictures. Here you go.

I made them small!

TodayCollapse )

(3 | Comment)

[08 Dec 2004|06:09pm]

Today started off crappy..I don't feel good at all. I was constantly coughing and sneezing all day.

Has anyone seen those flyers around the school that says stupid things like "LOST LUNCH" or "LOST PARTICLE OF DUST"...my friends are losers...but I LOVE them.

In response to Karee's comment in my last entry, yes, I am obsessed with my camera now.

PS - I know the pictures are huge, but Im not sizing every single one down. Im too lazy.

Today in library, me and Deakin decided to draw pictures of people we thought would look good as drawings. Here is Deakins drawing of a girl we know.

Im pretty sure she is the best artist ever.

From yesterdayCollapse )

(1 | Comment)

[07 Dec 2004|09:50pm]

Today was okay, I brought my camera to school and took some pictures, and we had a scary substitute who kept talking about my mom.

Okay, Maggie came over and here's some off like the 400 pictures we took.

PicturrreeesssCollapse )

(2 | Comment)

WOOHOO [06 Dec 2004|06:11pm]

It's been since August that I've had my digital camera..and I finally got it to work! You know how Kodak has digital CD's that come with disposable cameras? Well, I had those on here, and you couldn't download the camera software with that on the computer already. Make sense? It took me a while to figure it out.

Pictures from Trishs, a couple from summer? and some random things.Collapse )

(2 | Comment)

[05 Dec 2004|05:12pm]

I changed my mind.

I don't want to leave. I don't want to go anywhere.

Fuck Chicago and it's private art schools.

I'm staying here.

Fuck Joe's parents for trying to buy us a house. We don't need them. Well, at least I don't.

Mom can leave, but you couldn't make me leave if you tried.

So, sorry to all the people who don't like me, but I'm not going anywhere.


[05 Dec 2004|03:50pm]

Yesterday was Trish's. Holy shit, it was so much fun. I was the first person to get to her house, then soon after me Ang n Hil came, then Jill...then everyone else came. We watched the home videos we made like 3 weeks ago..it was pretty embarassing. But I didn't feel as stupid anymore once Ayling saw the part where Trish acted like the pole was him. Everyone was there..Trish, Jill, Angela, Hilary, Ashley, Nikki, Addy, Steph, Lauren Deyoung, Rich, Kyle, Max, Nick. I think thats everyone? Expect a big picture entry coming up soon, once Trish emails them to me.

So, the night consisted of peanut butter fights, dressing up in Trish's old halloween costumes, a sumo suit, and a lot of hooking up...hahahaha OHH BOYY..

I wonder if people are going to react on monday? Hmm.

Anyway, afterwards when everyone left, Me Angela and Hilary stayed and helped clean up the basement while singing to Celine Dion on Trish's jukebox thing, and that one song from the FRIENDS show. It kind of made me realize how glad their all my friends.


Maybe I shouldn't have done this..

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]